9:21 pm -- lucky ducky

I haven't had a solid night of sleep this week, but this week has also been one of my favorites. It's a very random week, just an ordinary early week in October, but I think I'll always look back on it fondly. It's rained, the trees are blushing, I've felt surreally giddy, and from birthday letter writing, I've stopped and reflected.

It's remarkable how much can change in just two months. When I started high school, my brother warned me that school is like a TV show. Characters come and go. I remember hearing that and hating the idea that people would leave. I would always reply that I would keep in contact with everyone. I don't think I really took him seriously until these past few months, when I learned to let some people go.

For a while, that felt terrifying. How do you learn to let go of someone who knows your every secret, every insecurity, every hope? It's scary. I kept on questioning if what I did was right.

After everything, this?

What about the possibilities I had dreamed of?

Is there really no other option?

And while I often say that I'm over it, that I'm completely fine now, I still find moments when I mourn those people, missing their presence in my life, the late-night conversations shared, the jokes giggled over. There are moments when I'm furious, furious that they're fine but I'm not, quite. Moments when I still shed a tear for what was and what might have been. Maybe I do feel too deeply.

But, I think for right now, I really am completely okay. I've realized that I've focused so much on the people who left that I haven't fully appreciated the people who came. This first school quarter, I have been so blessed.

I've made new friends.

I've rediscovered friends from the past.

I've deepened old friendships.

While some left, others came. On the first day of school, I had dreaded a couple of classes, knowing that they would be filled with unfamiliar faces. However, now I feel grateful that I didn't initially have friends in those classes. If I did, I wouldn't have opened up to new friends-- friends who would stress over college apps with me, who would buy lottery tickets with me, who would spill tea with me, who would prove their sweet kindness.

Others re-entered my life. Friends who disappeared years ago, who randomly appeared in an ACT class, who randomly appeared in classes, who randomly signed up for speech and debate. I've reconnected with people, reviving our messages app that has been dead for two years. We've laughed over rediscovered photos, cringed at old embarrassing memories, shared current hopes and dreams, and wondered why we ever lost contact. I've remembered how much some people mean to me, laughing about our old conversations in hopes of new ones this year.

And others have stayed. I've deepened friendships. My brother always said that his biggest regret was not having more of a social life in high school. I've always felt lucky that I have truly the most wonderful group of friends. From creating ASMR videos in AP Lit to random college visits to lunchtime walks to laughter over silly interview answers at 10:00 pm at school, I truly feel so lucky for the people who have stayed in my life. I have so many "to's" in that sentence; it just goes to show how many memories I've cherished.

I think it's natural to miss people at times, but I'm pretty happy with the people I have now. I do feel like quite the lucky ducky.

cheers,

Emma